My diagnosis which I got in the hospital was: moderate depression with somatic symptoms. Some personality traits were added: impulsive, borderline, paranoid, avoidant. Doctor prescribed me antidepressants and pills for sleeping. I had to continue visits to a psychologist and psychiatrist. Psychologist was the same as in the hospital but the psychiatrist was a new one. 

I was on sick leave during hospitalization. After going home it was over and I had to go to work. I didn’t feel good, but I called my boss and said that I am able to come to work. It was so hard to make myself go there. I tried to communicate with coworkers as little as possible. Luckily I had to go for 2 weekends only, because my contract ended. I was a temporary replacement and other worker came back. School was a different story. It was hard to go there because I had been absent so long. I was afraid that others would ask questions about where I have been. Also, our last subjects rotated and one ended while I was in hospital and the other had already begun. I didn’t want to go in the middle of a subject. One classmate contacted me and came to visit. She said that she suspected that I was absent because of mental health problems and brought me colouring book for adults. She told me that I should come to school when the last subject begins, because there is an oral exam at the end and it is hard to make it later. I pulled myself together and went for the last subject. 

School and work were the only places where I went. I didn’t go outside or shopping. I lived in a shared apartment and I only stayed in my room and only talked with my friend J. I avoided other roommates. J also cooked and went shopping for me. I didn’t even go to my first psychologist appointment. I didn’t cancel it, just didn’t go. I was afraid to contact her and ask for a new appointment but I knew that I needed it, so I pulled myself together and wrote to her. She was very kind and friendly and wasn’t mad about my missed appointment. So in addition to school and work I also went to a psychologist and psychiatrist. 

One day J came home and said that he gave his notice at work and after his last day we can move to his country home. My school lessons were over, I only had exams left, so I could go with him and I agreed. I thought that it would be good for me and then my depression ends, because I don’t have to be afraid of meeting people I know on the streets. When we moved there, everything stayed the same. I was still unhappy, didn’t leave home and didn’t want to communicate with people. I was also sad because I still had feelings for J but he said that he only helps me until I finish my school and find a job, that there won’t be anything between us. I communicated with this other guy as well, who broke up with me recently. I had mixed emotions about him too. I missed him, but I knew that he was not the right person for me. He was a distraction for me so I wouldn’t annoy J too much. I also watched a lot of movies and TV-shows, because I wanted to forget about the real world. 

One morning I woke up and felt differently. I felt happy and active. I thought that antidepressants were finally working. Now I know that it was actually a manic episode. But that is a story for another post. 

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