One psychiatrist in an inpatient facility told me that I definitely don’t have personality disorder. She said that I have comfort depression, that it is comfortable for me to be on sick leave and get money for doing nothing. It made me feel very bad because I didn’t feel comfortable being depressed and I was surprised that my diagnosis is just depression. I had many symptoms of personality disorders and my psychiatrist sent me to an inpatient facility so they could give me some tests and maybe find a diagnosis for me. 

I felt that this doctor didn’t like me, because when I had been in hospital several days and hadn’t met her, I asked nurses when I could see my doctor. I was afraid that maybe she didn’t like my asking but thought that I am just paranoid. Actually I think I wasn’t, because she told my roommate some negative things about me. I don’t think that my roommate lied. 

I didn’t feel comfortable meeting her anymore and being in the hospital. I had been only 2 weeks and started pretending that everything was fine so I could get home. I participated in a craft group and went outside “walking” for 2 hours. She told me I have to go outside for 2 hours every day, but I just sat on a bench near the hospital most of this time. 

Final task was to call my boss and say that I am ready to come back to work.  She said that if I go home then she will end my sick leave. I called my boss and then I could leave the hospital. At home everything was the same as before going to the hospital. I didn’t go out anymore and I couldn’t go to work either, I gave my notice.  1.5 months after hospitalisation I was diagnosed as bipolar by my doctor. 

Another thing what I won’t ever forget: once a kid from my son’s kindergarten came to me and said: You are so beautiful. It made me feel very good, because I didn’t feel that I am beautiful, but there is a saying that kids don’t lie, so maybe I am.

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