I was hospitalized in the beginning of March 2016. I felt calm when they told me to come with them, but when I reached my room I became anxious. I was scared that maybe there were some people who knew me or some of my old classmates who were studying medicine would be working there. I was also anxious because I had two roommates and I didn’t want to talk with anyone. There was a mental health nurse, who tried to talk to me. Eventually I told her about myself and my problems. It was hard for me to talk about those things and when I had to talk with a psychiatrist and psychologist, I was too afraid again, so I said that I am not ready to talk with them. My psychologist was very young and she was a student, so I thought that maybe she didn’t have enough experience.
My roommates started talking to me and I tried to be supportive and listen to everyone. They didn’t get along, so I had to listen to how one talks badly about another. Once they argued about whose illness is more serious and compared their suicide attempts. I didn’t like to listen about other people’s suicide attempts, because I got new ideas how do do it. I started communicating with other people too. Their stories seemed more serious than mine. They made some comments which made me feel bad. They said that I look like I am ok, because I ate my food and when I was admitted I was sent straight to a normal ward. Usually new patients are at the watching ward in the beginning. They also thought that my problems weren’t serious enough to be hospitalized. I had one group of people with whom I ate and spent time, but I felt like I didn’t belong. If no one in my group ate their food then I didn’t either even if I wanted to, I just didn’t want their comments about it.
I also started talking with a psychologist and psychiatrist. My psychologist was really nice and friendly and she gave me good advice which I have used a lot of times later in my life. I felt uncomfortable with my psychiatrist, because I told my nurse that I don’t like her very much and the nurse told her about it (it is her duty to share that kind of information with the doctor). I thought that maybe she hates me now and will treat me badly.
I got used to people and felt pretty good, but then other patients in my group started to go home and new people came. I also thought that I feel too comfortable and it would be hard to manage in real life after hospital. When my roommates went home, I became anxious, I didn’t want to communicate with new people. Also my mental health nurse said that I will get a new nurse, it made me feel bad, because at the beginning she said that if I don’t want a new one, then they won’t rotate. I felt paranoid feelings, I thought that maybe my nurse don’t like me, because she didn’t say why I got a new nurse. Instead of sharing my feelings with the doctor I started to prepare for leaving. I ate all my food and participated in crafts lessons. I told my doctor that I feel fine and I want to go home, because I want to go to work and school and she discharged me. I was hospitalized for 11 days, usually the minimum is 21 days. When I left the hospital, I was in tears. One caregiver asked if I even got help. I said yes, left and when I was outside, then I started crying. I sat in a bus stop for a while, then called my friend (my ex-partner) and asked if I could stay with him, because I had nowhere else to go. He said yes.