JOURNEY TO MY DIAGNOSIS PART 4: MANIC EPISODE

Like I said in my last post about my journey – one day I woke up and depression was gone. I felt really good. I felt like a teenager again. I started doing things I loved doing as a kid – I went for long walks – I explored all the areas around me, because I lived in a new place and wanted to get to know it.  It was like an adventure. I walked in the big fields and forests – I jumped over ditches and crossed a river from the dams beavers had made. It was sometimes a little bit dangerous but I wasn’t afraid of anything. 

I felt the need to communicate a lot. I didn’t want to bother J, because I felt like I was a burden to him. I didn’t want to chat with my friends a lot either, because I was too ashamed that I was in a psychiatric hospital. I started going to online chat rooms and downloaded the Tinder app. I didn’t plan to meet any of the guys in real life, but then I thought, why not. It was an interesting experience for me, because I hadn’t been on dates much.

One of the most memorable was the guy who drove about 130km in the middle of the night to meet me. He picked me up and then we went back to his hometown. On the way we stopped and watched the sunrise. I hadn’t watched the sunrise before in my life. 

The other guy took me to the Wolverine night. In Tartu it is celebrated by visiting sororities. We went to several. He wasn’t Estonian, I don’t even remember where he was from. He was such a player. There were a lot of girls who knew him in each sorority. It was still fun to hang out with him. I actually knew about him before, because we had a mutual acquaintance and I had thought that it would be cool to meet him in real life. 

There were more guys,but they weren’t so memorable. I didn’t want anything serious so I usually told them about my mental health and that I was in a psychiatric hospital, this was enough to drive them away. I didn’t tell my therapist anything about this, because I was afraid she might think I was a slut. 

I also dealt with my school, there were some exams that I had to take. I couldn’t concentrate on studying, so I failed one the first time, luckily I got another chance. I passed all my subjects and then  it was a green light to take the final exam. I couldn’t still study, but I passed. There were 2 parts and I got D-s. Other students were surprised and felt sorry for me, because I mostly got A-s and B-s, but I was so lucky that I passed and D felt like a great result. At least it was higher than E. 

I started searching for a job and got one pretty quickly. I had been more than friends with J again, but decided that I will end it. I took a dog for myself from the shelter, because I felt that I needed a companion. J was mad that I took her without discussing him, but I said that it is not his business, because we are not together anymore. I’m sure that I was manic when I took the dog. I saw a picture on Facebook and then decided that I need that dog. The shelter was 210km away from where I lived. Luckily I had my graduation party in Tartu and my brother agreed to take me to the shelter, which was 70km away from Tartu. I got the dog on the same day I saw her picture – I think “normal people” think longer than that. 

That’s it for now. I’m sorry if there are a lot of mistakes, English is not my native language. I used to take a lot of time to check spelling and the right words, but it took so much time. Now I try to write posts quicker, so there may be more mistakes. 

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